what's up, world?

omggg. so long since i've wrote. it's the new year (the year the world is suppose to stop) and i'm already ready for it to be overrr with. so many new things comin' our way, i'm ready for them! doc's leaving, again. you would think they would get tired of sending them places, but that's not the case. he gets to travel the world while i sit here in hawaii, bored, with my puppy, just working my life away. but i know once he gets home, we've hit the home stretch! he'll come home, and we'll get to spend christmas in kansas again, then i'll get to move home with my mama and soon after, he'll be out out out of the marines! and we can finally start our life together in kansas.
ya know, it's funny. when he was on deployment, i always said i couldn't wait to start my life with him. and we have. we started a little family (starting with a puppy), we have a house (not home) and we live together. to most, that's starting your life with your husband. to me, this is a tiny part of our marriage that we will survive. i hate hawaii. i hate being away from home. i hate missing my mom and hearing the hurt in her voice when i tell her we aren't coming home when i said we were. i can't wait to go home, buy a house, get jack jack back and live happily ever after. haha okay, maybe not happily ever after cause who believes in that stuff?! but seriously, i'm ready to start my career and have a steady life.
one.day.it.will.happen.

it's been a long time comin'

Wow, it's been almost three whole months since I've wrote, and man, have things changed.

Doc is finally home, we've been to Kansas and now have been back in Hawaii for about two and a half months, which seems crazy as all get out. We have a couple of friends staying with us, which is a lot of fun at times. And, we have a puppy :)

I guess I came to write because I sent an "I'm sorry" message to an old friend. It makes me really sad to know that we aren't friends any more. I have to admit that at one point, my life got so crazy, I wasn't even thinking about her. Until it all started to get to me, and I realized she was suppose to be there with me, calming me down, and helping me through my anxiety attack that I was having cause Doc was SO close to being home. She was definitely my best friend, aside from Doc, and while I'd like to sit here and say she was being childish about everything....I was too. And I admit that, and everything just came off so wrong, and I've realized that. I've wanted to write for a while now, but I haven't. Her friend has stopped me. My ex roommate. It bothered (and will bother me) that I know she's going to go off and tell her what I said, but I'm in Hawaii, and my old roommate lives in Kansas, and she lives in Texas (or last I knew). Even if she did, I wouldn't know, and what could I do? Nothing. So I figure why not lay it out there, and tell her that I am truly sorry for what I put her through. My actions and words came off all freaking wrong. I wrote it at like, 9:30 pm here, so she obviously hasn't gotten it, but I can't help but wonder what she's gonna do, if she's just going to completely ignore me, or be a bitch, or reply and be nice about it. Who the hell knows.

finally

IT'S HOMECOMING DAYYYYY!

it could be worse...

you'd think that when you got to HAWAII, it'd be awesome. apparently not for me. first, i wake up at 6:30 AM. wtf. then it's storming outside...raining, i mean, pouring rain, thunder, lightening...oh and i have to WALK to get docs car. so i lay around, shower, get ready, and finally about 9:00 am i decide to venture out and find his car. i go to the place i thought it would be...clear at the back of the base, and of course, they tell me that i need to go somewhere else...so i go there, and they tell me they don't deal with cars, so i need to go to PMO. so i walk there, and i sit down, and then i find out that stupid ass 2/3 has their own lot. so i have to walk over there to find out that i have to call someone...well they tell me where to go, and mind you, it's still sprinkling this whole time, so i'm kinda damp. while i'm walking to the regiment, it starts pouring down rain, and in 30 seconds flat i'm soaked. some super nice guy decides to roll down his window and ask where i'm going, and gives me a ride to regiment. so i finally get there, i get the keys in my hand, and they tell me i have to go back to the place i was just at. so i start walking again, and once again, it pours. somehow i got lucky again, and some super nice guy takes me back to where i needed to go. the guy who i'm meeting pulls up and the search for doc's car is on. of course, it's clear back in the corner, with the grass all grown around it...give the man the keys, and wouldn't ya know, it doesn't start. so after givin it a jump, it starts and i'm on my way. sorta. i decide it's a smart idea to drive around base for about 30 minutes. it's now 10:30 am, and i decided i needed to make sure i could have a place to stay for the night. so i go back to the lodge, stop the car (like any normal human), and pay for another night. oh buy my luck has run out somewhere, and the car doesn't start. so i ask for a jump and go straight to firestone. they fit me in for a new battery in less than an hour, and i was on my way. the whole morning i was in wet, cold clothes. the second guy who jumped my car said 'its okay, it could be worse' and i wanted to scream at him, but i realized he was right...so i took a deeeeep breath and said 'yeah, you're right, it could.'
i just sigh because i know life could be worse....but i've had my fair share of bad. lots of let downs, lots of heartache. but in less than TWO weeks, it'll be MY turn. doc is finally coming home. FINALLY.
oh, as for the rest of my day, people at walmart are so rude, and i was stupid enough to venture off base while it was raining...never doing that again.

who's scared?

i never thought i would be scared of doc to come home...ever. me being scared has taken over me being excited/happy about it. it's so ridiculous. it's been a fear for a while now, and it's just starting to become more....there. the feeling lingers around all the time now. i've changed. and it smacked me in the face when jake and matt asked me if i was a dude jokingly. obviously i'm not, but i'm just so laid back now, it seems like i am. and that wasn't who i was when he left. i finally talked to his best friend about it, and of course, he told me i had nothing to worry about. he said when doc came home, all that would go away. i even had a drunken heart-to-heart with two other guys, one of which just got back from afghanistan. and both of them said i have nothing to worry about, but i do worry.
then doc calls tonight, and all i can do is be angry. he hadn't called in a couple days and that made me mad, and it was easier to be mad at him than tell him i'm scared. but clearly he's gonna catch on, which he did. "are you mad at me?" i never thought it would be like that...that i would get MAD at him because although he's far far away saving the world, it's not his fault i feel this way. this was about ME changing...not him this time. we already had that talk. i seriously never thought i would ever feel like this. and it makes me almost depressed. now here i am, at 3 AM, laying wide awake cause he called and woke me up. maybe i was angry about that...he know's i hate being woken up. juuuust kidding, he's the only one that i want waking me up. i wish i could shake this feeling.
as for packing, i haven't done a damn thing. not one. okay, well a couple. i started cleaning out my mom's garage...and i finished my thank you notes from my bridal shower. what else have i done? not a damn thing. there's always tomorrow, right? until tomorrow is the day that i leave. i'll get it done...i hope. i suppose if i don't, i'll do it when i come back home in july. maybe if i put it off long enough, my mom will do it for me...haha, good joke, i know.

life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

i have never had so many people tell me they are proud of me than i have during this deployment, and it feels good. i'm nothing special, but to have some recognize that i've gone through hardships just as doc has is comforting. it's even more comforting to hear doc tell me how proud he is of me. i spend a lot of time thinking about him, and wanting the best for us, and making decisions that are going to be the best for us, and to have people recognize that...it's just awesome. the only person i ever needed to hear "i'm proud of you" from was doc...is doc. and i thank God every day that i found a man who is truly proud of who i am, and what i'm doing for him. we both know that without each other, we would be lost. he knows i'm doing good for him back home while he's out saving the world. i don't need all the attention in the world...i need his attention, and his approval, and i just need for him to be proud of me. and he is. and he trusts me. that's all i could ever ask from him.

we found out that one of his friend's wives wasn't faithful to him, and it breaks both of our hearts. doc sees how much pain this guy is in, but he acts like nothing is wrong. and it makes of us both pissed off at her...how could she do that? what happened to 'till death do us part'?? obviously it went out the window for her. we're SO close, and i don't think people realize that. i have FOURTEEN days left until i leave for hawaii, and she was right behind me. they will be back in less than a month...she couldn't even keep it in her pants for two more months....granted this happened a month-ish ago. i know i shouldn't judge, but i've met this girl, and she was so head-over-heels with her husband, and then she did this. i have no respect for her, and my heart goes out to him. karma's a bitch though, i know from experience....and she's said some pretty nasty things to me.

after doc told me all of this, i told him it made me nervous...i didn't want him to second guess me and our marriage. i love him more than anything. i could never, in a million year, think about cheating on him. god, it hurts just to even think about it. being the amazing man that he is...he told me he trusted me, and he loved me, and he was so proud of me. and he told me to never say something like that again. and i'm so glad i said that to him because i know i would have had a pit in my stomach the rest of the day. i guess i've learned from this deployment...i've learned that if i have something to say to him, i need to say it because it could be two weeks before i talk to him again. i definitely cherish our thirty minute talks that we get. and i'm so thankful we even get that much time.

bad things happen in threes....

right? so i'm just waiting for the third bad thing to happen to me.

first my dad hits someone and is arrested, then i find out my car was side-swiped. ruled out that it was my dad, but now i have NO idea who it was. like, at all. i filed a police report, so that's a start...but i highly doubt anything will come from it.

i finally finished my classes, found out i got a D in one of them...i KNOW that's wrong, so hopefully i can get it changed, but who knows. summer classes start again in a couple of weeks...right after i move, then doc will be home right after that :) i know i just need to keep moving forward, but i just feel like things could get worse at any point. it was nice being able to tell doc everything, but i just, i don't know, i want a hug from him.

just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.