love

have you ever loved someone so much? so much you can't even explain it...to yourself or to them?

i love him, like that deep down, wholeheartedly, unconditionally, forever isn't enough, love him. and there's no way i can ever express to him how much he means to me. he calls me and all i can do is blab about what's been going on, and we hang up and i'm just in this lovey dovey daze for the next 24 hours. i never thought it would be this way. i tried to prepare myself, and maybe i over prepared myself. i started losing hope, and that was my lowest point, and i've promised myself not to get to that point again during this.

on another note, have you ever had a friend, and you lost them, but you don't exactly understand how? little events led up to a bigger event, and it still makes you angry, but you aren't really sure you understand how it got there. people amaze me. you know, i thought that i was more trustworthy, and i thought that i was the confidant. most people confide in me, and i'm okay with that, and i thought that's what happened. and i know a lot of people were hurt, but sometimes, i feel more confused than hurt. the one thing that pisses me off the most is when someone lies to me, and it's not like i was oblivous to the lying, i guess i just had too much trust into that friendship thinking they wouldn't do it again, and they did. sitting here, seven months later, i sit here STILL confused, and hurt. it's hard to believe that we laughed and hung out almost every night for six months, and suddenly one person just messes it up. it's effected not only me, but people around me. i feel like i lost a great friendship, and sometimes i want that friendship back, and othertimes i remember the lies and the backstabbing and it's hard to remember why i put up with it for so long. i wonder what is said about me, because i know what was said about others. at times i don't honestly care because i know i'm better than that, but sometimes, damnit, i just want to stand up for myself so people know i'm not the person i'm made out to be.

who knows what will ever happen.