finally

IT'S HOMECOMING DAYYYYY!

it could be worse...

you'd think that when you got to HAWAII, it'd be awesome. apparently not for me. first, i wake up at 6:30 AM. wtf. then it's storming outside...raining, i mean, pouring rain, thunder, lightening...oh and i have to WALK to get docs car. so i lay around, shower, get ready, and finally about 9:00 am i decide to venture out and find his car. i go to the place i thought it would be...clear at the back of the base, and of course, they tell me that i need to go somewhere else...so i go there, and they tell me they don't deal with cars, so i need to go to PMO. so i walk there, and i sit down, and then i find out that stupid ass 2/3 has their own lot. so i have to walk over there to find out that i have to call someone...well they tell me where to go, and mind you, it's still sprinkling this whole time, so i'm kinda damp. while i'm walking to the regiment, it starts pouring down rain, and in 30 seconds flat i'm soaked. some super nice guy decides to roll down his window and ask where i'm going, and gives me a ride to regiment. so i finally get there, i get the keys in my hand, and they tell me i have to go back to the place i was just at. so i start walking again, and once again, it pours. somehow i got lucky again, and some super nice guy takes me back to where i needed to go. the guy who i'm meeting pulls up and the search for doc's car is on. of course, it's clear back in the corner, with the grass all grown around it...give the man the keys, and wouldn't ya know, it doesn't start. so after givin it a jump, it starts and i'm on my way. sorta. i decide it's a smart idea to drive around base for about 30 minutes. it's now 10:30 am, and i decided i needed to make sure i could have a place to stay for the night. so i go back to the lodge, stop the car (like any normal human), and pay for another night. oh buy my luck has run out somewhere, and the car doesn't start. so i ask for a jump and go straight to firestone. they fit me in for a new battery in less than an hour, and i was on my way. the whole morning i was in wet, cold clothes. the second guy who jumped my car said 'its okay, it could be worse' and i wanted to scream at him, but i realized he was right...so i took a deeeeep breath and said 'yeah, you're right, it could.'
i just sigh because i know life could be worse....but i've had my fair share of bad. lots of let downs, lots of heartache. but in less than TWO weeks, it'll be MY turn. doc is finally coming home. FINALLY.
oh, as for the rest of my day, people at walmart are so rude, and i was stupid enough to venture off base while it was raining...never doing that again.

who's scared?

i never thought i would be scared of doc to come home...ever. me being scared has taken over me being excited/happy about it. it's so ridiculous. it's been a fear for a while now, and it's just starting to become more....there. the feeling lingers around all the time now. i've changed. and it smacked me in the face when jake and matt asked me if i was a dude jokingly. obviously i'm not, but i'm just so laid back now, it seems like i am. and that wasn't who i was when he left. i finally talked to his best friend about it, and of course, he told me i had nothing to worry about. he said when doc came home, all that would go away. i even had a drunken heart-to-heart with two other guys, one of which just got back from afghanistan. and both of them said i have nothing to worry about, but i do worry.
then doc calls tonight, and all i can do is be angry. he hadn't called in a couple days and that made me mad, and it was easier to be mad at him than tell him i'm scared. but clearly he's gonna catch on, which he did. "are you mad at me?" i never thought it would be like that...that i would get MAD at him because although he's far far away saving the world, it's not his fault i feel this way. this was about ME changing...not him this time. we already had that talk. i seriously never thought i would ever feel like this. and it makes me almost depressed. now here i am, at 3 AM, laying wide awake cause he called and woke me up. maybe i was angry about that...he know's i hate being woken up. juuuust kidding, he's the only one that i want waking me up. i wish i could shake this feeling.
as for packing, i haven't done a damn thing. not one. okay, well a couple. i started cleaning out my mom's garage...and i finished my thank you notes from my bridal shower. what else have i done? not a damn thing. there's always tomorrow, right? until tomorrow is the day that i leave. i'll get it done...i hope. i suppose if i don't, i'll do it when i come back home in july. maybe if i put it off long enough, my mom will do it for me...haha, good joke, i know.

life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

i have never had so many people tell me they are proud of me than i have during this deployment, and it feels good. i'm nothing special, but to have some recognize that i've gone through hardships just as doc has is comforting. it's even more comforting to hear doc tell me how proud he is of me. i spend a lot of time thinking about him, and wanting the best for us, and making decisions that are going to be the best for us, and to have people recognize that...it's just awesome. the only person i ever needed to hear "i'm proud of you" from was doc...is doc. and i thank God every day that i found a man who is truly proud of who i am, and what i'm doing for him. we both know that without each other, we would be lost. he knows i'm doing good for him back home while he's out saving the world. i don't need all the attention in the world...i need his attention, and his approval, and i just need for him to be proud of me. and he is. and he trusts me. that's all i could ever ask from him.

we found out that one of his friend's wives wasn't faithful to him, and it breaks both of our hearts. doc sees how much pain this guy is in, but he acts like nothing is wrong. and it makes of us both pissed off at her...how could she do that? what happened to 'till death do us part'?? obviously it went out the window for her. we're SO close, and i don't think people realize that. i have FOURTEEN days left until i leave for hawaii, and she was right behind me. they will be back in less than a month...she couldn't even keep it in her pants for two more months....granted this happened a month-ish ago. i know i shouldn't judge, but i've met this girl, and she was so head-over-heels with her husband, and then she did this. i have no respect for her, and my heart goes out to him. karma's a bitch though, i know from experience....and she's said some pretty nasty things to me.

after doc told me all of this, i told him it made me nervous...i didn't want him to second guess me and our marriage. i love him more than anything. i could never, in a million year, think about cheating on him. god, it hurts just to even think about it. being the amazing man that he is...he told me he trusted me, and he loved me, and he was so proud of me. and he told me to never say something like that again. and i'm so glad i said that to him because i know i would have had a pit in my stomach the rest of the day. i guess i've learned from this deployment...i've learned that if i have something to say to him, i need to say it because it could be two weeks before i talk to him again. i definitely cherish our thirty minute talks that we get. and i'm so thankful we even get that much time.

bad things happen in threes....

right? so i'm just waiting for the third bad thing to happen to me.

first my dad hits someone and is arrested, then i find out my car was side-swiped. ruled out that it was my dad, but now i have NO idea who it was. like, at all. i filed a police report, so that's a start...but i highly doubt anything will come from it.

i finally finished my classes, found out i got a D in one of them...i KNOW that's wrong, so hopefully i can get it changed, but who knows. summer classes start again in a couple of weeks...right after i move, then doc will be home right after that :) i know i just need to keep moving forward, but i just feel like things could get worse at any point. it was nice being able to tell doc everything, but i just, i don't know, i want a hug from him.

just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

shit happens, right?

i know i'm not perfect, and i would never even think about saying i am. i know the world doesn't revolve around me, and there are problems bigger than mine. but i don't feel like it's okay for anyone to belittle me considering they have no idea who i am. i have been through a lot in my life, more than most 'average' teens have. but that's also why i am who i am. i'm a little bitchy, a pushover, aggressive, but passionate. one thing i am proud of about me, is that i can admit when i am wrong. i know my faults as well. and that's saying more than most people can say.
i've grown, as a person, in so many different ways. i wish things could have turned out differently. it hurts that i know people still talk behind my back about the person i use to be. someone i'm not anymore. it kills me that because i was so mad, i let a friendship go down the drain. they were so mad, they let a friendship go down the drain. a friendship that was one anyone could envy. we knew each other inside and out. could call each other bawling and the other would know exactly what to say to help, even if it wasn't anything but i love you. a friend that turned into family, that turned into an enemy. and it kills me that i know it was partly my fault. some days, i would take all the blame. but then i know all my secrets were told. things that never should have been repeated, were. it hurts.
i know that all my experiences will help me grow. i'll move on. i'll let go. i'm sure this was something that was suppose to happen, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

i don't post a lot, but it's because i never have much to say. i really just miss doc. i think about him all the time, and how our lives are finally falling into place. i think about how far we've come, and how much we've worked for everything we've had. i think about how much i've messed up in the past, but how it got me to where i am today, and i would have to say that it's made our relationship stronger, and made me a better person.
for a while, i thought i was weak, i thought i couldn't handle this lifestyle. and we hadn't even been through a deployment, or talking about it. i just couldn't handle the distance. everything was an argument. i couldn't stand it. i hated that i didn't know when i would get to see him again. i hated that he was never there when i needed him. i hated that my life was crumbling right before my eyes and he wasn't there to pick me up, and he didn't even try while he was in hawaii. i think that if he hadn't flew me out there for my birthday, i don't know where we would be....i think we would be broken. we rekindled and then he had to leave for CAX. that really made me realize how strong i am, and how much i need him in my life. he came home, and we had a great two weeks. it may not have been perfect, but it was us, and that's all we needed.
now, i wake up every day and love him. and every day, i go to bed and think 'there's no way i can love him more than i do today' but i prove myself wrong every time i wake up.
i hate 'tooting' my own horn, but i feel like we deserve this. neither of us have had an easy childhood, each struggling through it all. we've been each other's rock for four years now. i'm not ashamed to say that i need him in my life, i need him to be there for me. and he needs me. we lean on each other. that's what you do in a relationship...in a marriage. i love him. and i'm ready for him to be home. and i'm ready to start my life with him. we deserve this, and i'm not going to let anyone take it away from us.