goodbye january! see ya next year. (thank God!!!) with that being said, three months down, four months to go. but part of me looks at is as three months to go only because may is going to be ridiculously crazy and hectic and straight up fuuuuun. quitting my job (i couldn't be happier about this), finishing my classes (although, i will be more excited in march), and moving out of my apartment (i'm indifferent about this). AND there's always that possibility that doc will be home in may, although, i'm not crossing my fingers, it's just a thought. in february, i have a couple of things to look forward to. going to topeka a few times, my best friend coming home, and well, i guess that's about it.
you know what i'm tired of? people always being down. it's fucking ridiculous. like really? appreciate what you have. maybe you don't get a phone call everything, who the hell cares?! no news is good news. we've all gone more than a week without talking to our men, but that's okay. it makes us stronger, it builds character. i love being stronger than the average person, and when they tell me 'i could never do what you're doing' it gives me personal satisfaction to know that they will NEVER have a love or relationship or marriage like doc and i do. they probably could if they tried, but the fact that they don't want to, it's just appalling to me. when i first started dating doc, i never even thought we would make it to a year. i remember talking on msn (cause that was the 'thing' to do) and him telling me that he wanted to go into the military, and i remember telling him that i never wanted to date anyone in the military. and i'm sure that hurt his feelings, but look at us now. never, in a million years, did i think four years ago that i would marry the man i married. but i'm absolutely head over heels in love with him. and i could never tell him enough how much i love him, or how grateful i am to have him in my life. it excites me that i get to spend the second and third year of our marriage with JUST him. no one else. me and him, alone, on an island, conquering the world together, one day at a time. and OF COURSE i will miss my family, but starting this new adventure with doc is gonna be one hell of a ride :D
Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
i'ma get your heart racing
it's the joy of seeing 'afghanistan <3' show up on my phone screen and my heart racing for the 2.5 seconds it takes me to pick up my phone, push talk, and say 'hi baby!!!'
it's the random conversations we have on the phone that no one else would understand but us.
it's that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars over the moon, world series kinda love.
SERIOUSLY.
we haven't even hit halfway yet, but god can i taste it. it's a few short months away, and i have little mile markers to keep me going.
february, my bff amber is coming back homeeeeee.
march, i get to go to cali to see her.
april, well, nothing too much comes in april, although, maybe a window of when they will be home? buying my plane ticket? packing allllll my junk up? who knows, but it seems like the possibilities are endlesssss!
may, well, we all know what comes in may! quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, finishing up this semester of school, and going to hawaiiiiii! ahh, the sweet sweet summatime!
but first, before i even get to february, january needs to hurry it's ass out the door. longest.month.ever. but you know what? i can take God that i got through it a-okay.
the other day, someone told me to just keep praying. and while i have a battle going on with what i really believe, and who is really up there, i replied to them and told them i pray to my grandpa, because i know he's up there. and just like doc's grandparents, i know he's watching over him for me. no news is good news, right?
it's the random conversations we have on the phone that no one else would understand but us.
it's that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars over the moon, world series kinda love.
SERIOUSLY.
we haven't even hit halfway yet, but god can i taste it. it's a few short months away, and i have little mile markers to keep me going.
february, my bff amber is coming back homeeeeee.
march, i get to go to cali to see her.
april, well, nothing too much comes in april, although, maybe a window of when they will be home? buying my plane ticket? packing allllll my junk up? who knows, but it seems like the possibilities are endlesssss!
may, well, we all know what comes in may! quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, finishing up this semester of school, and going to hawaiiiiii! ahh, the sweet sweet summatime!
but first, before i even get to february, january needs to hurry it's ass out the door. longest.month.ever. but you know what? i can take God that i got through it a-okay.
the other day, someone told me to just keep praying. and while i have a battle going on with what i really believe, and who is really up there, i replied to them and told them i pray to my grandpa, because i know he's up there. and just like doc's grandparents, i know he's watching over him for me. no news is good news, right?
Monday, January 17, 2011
just let the tears fall.
have you ever just cried? just because you can. and just let the tears fall down like there's no tomorrow. when i first start to cry, i feel so ashamed of myself. i feel like i've given into all the pressures of everyday life. and i feel like life has gotten the best of me. and then i take a step back and realize how truly strong i am. i am fighting a battle that not many people fight. yes, there are other military couples going through a deployment....but that's probably the only thing we have in common;; that is our only 'fight' in common. we all are fighting a different battle that know one knows anything about.
i'm so thankful to have true friends that keep me sane. i'll get a random text message through the day, just askin how i am. weather i tell them i'm good, or fine, or a complete disaster;; it doesn't feel like it matters to me. what matters is that they took the 10 seconds out of their day to send that to me. sometimes i just like to be stubborn and not tell someone how i'm really feeling. it goes back to that whole failure feeling. if i don't admit to anyone what's really going on, maybe it won't be true.
somedays, it feels unbearable. and when it does, i thank God that i made it through that day.
today....i'm thanking God that i made it through.
i'm so thankful to have true friends that keep me sane. i'll get a random text message through the day, just askin how i am. weather i tell them i'm good, or fine, or a complete disaster;; it doesn't feel like it matters to me. what matters is that they took the 10 seconds out of their day to send that to me. sometimes i just like to be stubborn and not tell someone how i'm really feeling. it goes back to that whole failure feeling. if i don't admit to anyone what's really going on, maybe it won't be true.
somedays, it feels unbearable. and when it does, i thank God that i made it through that day.
today....i'm thanking God that i made it through.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
have you ever?
apparently my body doesn't like to go to bed before two am anymore, yet i'm so exhausted. OHWELL.
have you ever thought about how many people have impacted your life?? better yet, have you ever told them?? i made someone's day, and i made them cry all because i told them they have impacted my life in a way that very few people have. she's so amazingly positive, and it just rubs off. this is a woman who i have never met before. yet all over her facebook, you would never see one ounce of negativity. ever.
now, have you ever just THOUGHT about someone's situation, and how they are reacting to that situation, and how much hope it gives you?? there are two women, one has finished a deployment, one is almost finished, who both have given me hope...just because i thought about how far they've come in their deployment. i find this strange because i'm on a site that has women who are always finishing up deployments, or are giving encouraging words because they've been through one, yet, they don't give me as much hope as these two women. it's seriously amazing to me.
and then there's someone else. she lost her husband over a month ago. she is probably the most inspiring person i've ever come in contact with. and i wish so damn much that i could have met her before her husband deployed. if she's this strong at this point in time, how strong was she back then? it's seriously incredible to me that she has an amazing outlook on life. i always pray and hope that she finds the peace in this terrible situation that she needs, and i could definitely say she has found at least some.
don't get me wrong, every single one of my friends has impacted my life in some way or another. there are tons of people that have impacted my life....but not to the point that ten years down the road i will remember. my best friends (they know who they are), they continue to impact my life day in and day out, and i am so incredibly grateful that they are in my life, keeping my head held high and helping me through this deployment.
to anyone who is reading this....take ten minutes out of your day and just think, who has impacted your life? get the courage in you to let them know, because i promise, you won't be disappointed with their reaction.
have you ever thought about how many people have impacted your life?? better yet, have you ever told them?? i made someone's day, and i made them cry all because i told them they have impacted my life in a way that very few people have. she's so amazingly positive, and it just rubs off. this is a woman who i have never met before. yet all over her facebook, you would never see one ounce of negativity. ever.
now, have you ever just THOUGHT about someone's situation, and how they are reacting to that situation, and how much hope it gives you?? there are two women, one has finished a deployment, one is almost finished, who both have given me hope...just because i thought about how far they've come in their deployment. i find this strange because i'm on a site that has women who are always finishing up deployments, or are giving encouraging words because they've been through one, yet, they don't give me as much hope as these two women. it's seriously amazing to me.
and then there's someone else. she lost her husband over a month ago. she is probably the most inspiring person i've ever come in contact with. and i wish so damn much that i could have met her before her husband deployed. if she's this strong at this point in time, how strong was she back then? it's seriously incredible to me that she has an amazing outlook on life. i always pray and hope that she finds the peace in this terrible situation that she needs, and i could definitely say she has found at least some.
don't get me wrong, every single one of my friends has impacted my life in some way or another. there are tons of people that have impacted my life....but not to the point that ten years down the road i will remember. my best friends (they know who they are), they continue to impact my life day in and day out, and i am so incredibly grateful that they are in my life, keeping my head held high and helping me through this deployment.
to anyone who is reading this....take ten minutes out of your day and just think, who has impacted your life? get the courage in you to let them know, because i promise, you won't be disappointed with their reaction.
Friday, January 7, 2011
irritated.
i'm not trying to push anyone's feelings aside. i know that many many people miss him, but their lives didn't stop because he left. their hearts don't hurt because he left. they don't cry theirselves to sleep at night because he's not there. it just really bothers me that everyone is like 'i'm here hurting too' 'i miss him so much'. instead of 'look at that family supporting you' i honestly believe it should be 'look at that WIFE supporting you'. or girlfriend, or fiancee. those are the ones who are sitting at home, clentching their phones, waiting for one phone call. even if they aren't at home, a woman whose man is deployed, you can beat your ass they have their phone on them 24/7, with the ringer on LOUDDDD.
deployment takes a toll on anyone who has a family member deployed. and i never forget that. but please don't tell me you miss him just as much, or more than me. I'M the one he calls when he gets the chance. I'M the one who he talks to when he can't barely deal with it anymore. and I'M the one he calls when he can't call his family because all they wanna do is fight on the phone with him over stupid shit he doesn't need to deal with. once again...me me me. it literally breaks my heart. why would you argue on the phone when you ONLY have 15 minutes, if that. we never fight when we're on the phone, i cherish that time on the phone while you cherish other stupid stuff.
this whole military relationship stuff has made me cherish the things in life that others don't. a kiss, a hug, holding hands, TALKING ON THE PHONE. i appreciate my friends more because they are few and far between. and the ones that stay with me through it all, THEY are my true friends.
i'm just irritated that his cousin said that crap, and then i just started rambling off about a bunch of other stuff too :/
deployment takes a toll on anyone who has a family member deployed. and i never forget that. but please don't tell me you miss him just as much, or more than me. I'M the one he calls when he gets the chance. I'M the one who he talks to when he can't barely deal with it anymore. and I'M the one he calls when he can't call his family because all they wanna do is fight on the phone with him over stupid shit he doesn't need to deal with. once again...me me me. it literally breaks my heart. why would you argue on the phone when you ONLY have 15 minutes, if that. we never fight when we're on the phone, i cherish that time on the phone while you cherish other stupid stuff.
this whole military relationship stuff has made me cherish the things in life that others don't. a kiss, a hug, holding hands, TALKING ON THE PHONE. i appreciate my friends more because they are few and far between. and the ones that stay with me through it all, THEY are my true friends.
i'm just irritated that his cousin said that crap, and then i just started rambling off about a bunch of other stuff too :/
Thursday, January 6, 2011
racing
all i do all day long is dream about my bed, and going back to sleep. just to get a good nights sleep. but here i am once again, up at 11 at night, and my mind is racing. my body is just so damn tired, but my head doesn't want to listen. half the things i think about, i can't even comprehend, and that sounds so silly, but it just goes so fast, i don't have time to actually think about it. i can't even be that crazy 'list' girl cause i don't have enough time to write it all down :/
this is to you doc....
a lot of people say they miss you. a lot. but i don't think anyone can miss you quite as much as i do, not your mom, or your brother, or your dad. before you left for boot camp, yeah, they saw you everyday, but after boot camp, during soi, and when you got stationed in the fleet, i was the one that was there for you. me me me. your brother wants to tell a sob story about how he's 'lost' his brother and his 'best friend'. your mom wants to sit there and say christmas isn't the same without you. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?! doc, damnit, i miss you so much. my heart feels heavy on the days we don't talk, making it hard to even breathe. then i see that afghan number and that feeling just goes away and gives me butterflies like you couldn't believe. you take my pain away. all the hurt and frustration goes out the window and i don't feel left behind anymore. you are my best friend. you always have been, since day one. you took the time to get to know me inside and out. you took the time to put my pieces back together when no one else wanted to look twice at my mess.
now i just lay here and cry cause i don't know what to do with myself. i miss you so much, and i truly cannot wait to start our lives together.
this is to you doc....
a lot of people say they miss you. a lot. but i don't think anyone can miss you quite as much as i do, not your mom, or your brother, or your dad. before you left for boot camp, yeah, they saw you everyday, but after boot camp, during soi, and when you got stationed in the fleet, i was the one that was there for you. me me me. your brother wants to tell a sob story about how he's 'lost' his brother and his 'best friend'. your mom wants to sit there and say christmas isn't the same without you. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?! doc, damnit, i miss you so much. my heart feels heavy on the days we don't talk, making it hard to even breathe. then i see that afghan number and that feeling just goes away and gives me butterflies like you couldn't believe. you take my pain away. all the hurt and frustration goes out the window and i don't feel left behind anymore. you are my best friend. you always have been, since day one. you took the time to get to know me inside and out. you took the time to put my pieces back together when no one else wanted to look twice at my mess.
now i just lay here and cry cause i don't know what to do with myself. i miss you so much, and i truly cannot wait to start our lives together.
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