children

there are some things i'm starting to be thankful for, every fight we've had, every kiss we've shared, every hug that's been felt. doc and i always use to go 'round and 'round about having children. i absolutely love children, and while doc does as well, he's not ready to have some of his own. for so long i've been so grown up, more mature than i should have to be. doc brings out the child in me, the best in me. this is the time in my life that i want to be selfish....i NEED to be selfish. for so long i've always wanted a child, and having friends around me who are 19 and having children, it scares me. some of barely getting by with what they have while others aren't sure of when they'll be together as a family. i know that if doc and i had a child right now, we would be just fine...but we would never get to experience hawaii as a couple. i would always be nagging him (which i'm sure i'll do anyways) and our parents would never get to see their grandchild. i want my family to enjoy our child just as much as we do, and i want him/her to be as spoiled as possible. but right now, i want to be a child with doc and go to the beach whenever, go snorkling, or go to the clubs. i want to be us again. i miss you babe. come home safe so we can be kids again :)

missing you.

for some reason, i am missing doc more than ever right now. i watched 'coming home' and i love that show. civilians (it's weird saying that since i'm a civilian) should really watch it. it show raw emotions not only from the families, but from the military members as well. i finished four of my nine classes today which means i have completely finished seven of them. i should be so happy, and i am, i am so damn proud of myself...but i want doc. i want him to come home. i want to call him and scream on the phone and tell him that i did it, but i can't. fuck afghanistan. i know i'm suppose to be strong and i'm suppose to be able to handle all of this, but life has thrown me one too many curve balls now, and i'm tired of it. i just want doc home with me to make me feel better and nuggle with me.
now i'm sitting here crying, pouring all my problems out to his best friend and i just feel so bad. i want everything perfect when doc comes home, and i know it's going to be a terrible mess. his mom is gonna be mad about everything, and there's no way to avoid it. we shouldn't have to please her...she should just be happy we are spending any time at all with her considering the bullshit she's put on our relationship. i just want the best possible for doc because that's what he deserves. i know he's not perfect, but he tries so hard sometimes, he wants the best for me, and for us, so i want everything to be just perfect for him. although, perfect isn't in our track record. but that's okay.
hoping for a phone call, and meeting him in my dreams <3