who's scared?

i never thought i would be scared of doc to come home...ever. me being scared has taken over me being excited/happy about it. it's so ridiculous. it's been a fear for a while now, and it's just starting to become more....there. the feeling lingers around all the time now. i've changed. and it smacked me in the face when jake and matt asked me if i was a dude jokingly. obviously i'm not, but i'm just so laid back now, it seems like i am. and that wasn't who i was when he left. i finally talked to his best friend about it, and of course, he told me i had nothing to worry about. he said when doc came home, all that would go away. i even had a drunken heart-to-heart with two other guys, one of which just got back from afghanistan. and both of them said i have nothing to worry about, but i do worry.
then doc calls tonight, and all i can do is be angry. he hadn't called in a couple days and that made me mad, and it was easier to be mad at him than tell him i'm scared. but clearly he's gonna catch on, which he did. "are you mad at me?" i never thought it would be like that...that i would get MAD at him because although he's far far away saving the world, it's not his fault i feel this way. this was about ME changing...not him this time. we already had that talk. i seriously never thought i would ever feel like this. and it makes me almost depressed. now here i am, at 3 AM, laying wide awake cause he called and woke me up. maybe i was angry about that...he know's i hate being woken up. juuuust kidding, he's the only one that i want waking me up. i wish i could shake this feeling.
as for packing, i haven't done a damn thing. not one. okay, well a couple. i started cleaning out my mom's garage...and i finished my thank you notes from my bridal shower. what else have i done? not a damn thing. there's always tomorrow, right? until tomorrow is the day that i leave. i'll get it done...i hope. i suppose if i don't, i'll do it when i come back home in july. maybe if i put it off long enough, my mom will do it for me...haha, good joke, i know.

life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

i have never had so many people tell me they are proud of me than i have during this deployment, and it feels good. i'm nothing special, but to have some recognize that i've gone through hardships just as doc has is comforting. it's even more comforting to hear doc tell me how proud he is of me. i spend a lot of time thinking about him, and wanting the best for us, and making decisions that are going to be the best for us, and to have people recognize that...it's just awesome. the only person i ever needed to hear "i'm proud of you" from was doc...is doc. and i thank God every day that i found a man who is truly proud of who i am, and what i'm doing for him. we both know that without each other, we would be lost. he knows i'm doing good for him back home while he's out saving the world. i don't need all the attention in the world...i need his attention, and his approval, and i just need for him to be proud of me. and he is. and he trusts me. that's all i could ever ask from him.

we found out that one of his friend's wives wasn't faithful to him, and it breaks both of our hearts. doc sees how much pain this guy is in, but he acts like nothing is wrong. and it makes of us both pissed off at her...how could she do that? what happened to 'till death do us part'?? obviously it went out the window for her. we're SO close, and i don't think people realize that. i have FOURTEEN days left until i leave for hawaii, and she was right behind me. they will be back in less than a month...she couldn't even keep it in her pants for two more months....granted this happened a month-ish ago. i know i shouldn't judge, but i've met this girl, and she was so head-over-heels with her husband, and then she did this. i have no respect for her, and my heart goes out to him. karma's a bitch though, i know from experience....and she's said some pretty nasty things to me.

after doc told me all of this, i told him it made me nervous...i didn't want him to second guess me and our marriage. i love him more than anything. i could never, in a million year, think about cheating on him. god, it hurts just to even think about it. being the amazing man that he is...he told me he trusted me, and he loved me, and he was so proud of me. and he told me to never say something like that again. and i'm so glad i said that to him because i know i would have had a pit in my stomach the rest of the day. i guess i've learned from this deployment...i've learned that if i have something to say to him, i need to say it because it could be two weeks before i talk to him again. i definitely cherish our thirty minute talks that we get. and i'm so thankful we even get that much time.

bad things happen in threes....

right? so i'm just waiting for the third bad thing to happen to me.

first my dad hits someone and is arrested, then i find out my car was side-swiped. ruled out that it was my dad, but now i have NO idea who it was. like, at all. i filed a police report, so that's a start...but i highly doubt anything will come from it.

i finally finished my classes, found out i got a D in one of them...i KNOW that's wrong, so hopefully i can get it changed, but who knows. summer classes start again in a couple of weeks...right after i move, then doc will be home right after that :) i know i just need to keep moving forward, but i just feel like things could get worse at any point. it was nice being able to tell doc everything, but i just, i don't know, i want a hug from him.

just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

shit happens, right?

i know i'm not perfect, and i would never even think about saying i am. i know the world doesn't revolve around me, and there are problems bigger than mine. but i don't feel like it's okay for anyone to belittle me considering they have no idea who i am. i have been through a lot in my life, more than most 'average' teens have. but that's also why i am who i am. i'm a little bitchy, a pushover, aggressive, but passionate. one thing i am proud of about me, is that i can admit when i am wrong. i know my faults as well. and that's saying more than most people can say.
i've grown, as a person, in so many different ways. i wish things could have turned out differently. it hurts that i know people still talk behind my back about the person i use to be. someone i'm not anymore. it kills me that because i was so mad, i let a friendship go down the drain. they were so mad, they let a friendship go down the drain. a friendship that was one anyone could envy. we knew each other inside and out. could call each other bawling and the other would know exactly what to say to help, even if it wasn't anything but i love you. a friend that turned into family, that turned into an enemy. and it kills me that i know it was partly my fault. some days, i would take all the blame. but then i know all my secrets were told. things that never should have been repeated, were. it hurts.
i know that all my experiences will help me grow. i'll move on. i'll let go. i'm sure this was something that was suppose to happen, but it doesn't make it suck any less.