it's been a long time comin'

Wow, it's been almost three whole months since I've wrote, and man, have things changed.

Doc is finally home, we've been to Kansas and now have been back in Hawaii for about two and a half months, which seems crazy as all get out. We have a couple of friends staying with us, which is a lot of fun at times. And, we have a puppy :)

I guess I came to write because I sent an "I'm sorry" message to an old friend. It makes me really sad to know that we aren't friends any more. I have to admit that at one point, my life got so crazy, I wasn't even thinking about her. Until it all started to get to me, and I realized she was suppose to be there with me, calming me down, and helping me through my anxiety attack that I was having cause Doc was SO close to being home. She was definitely my best friend, aside from Doc, and while I'd like to sit here and say she was being childish about everything....I was too. And I admit that, and everything just came off so wrong, and I've realized that. I've wanted to write for a while now, but I haven't. Her friend has stopped me. My ex roommate. It bothered (and will bother me) that I know she's going to go off and tell her what I said, but I'm in Hawaii, and my old roommate lives in Kansas, and she lives in Texas (or last I knew). Even if she did, I wouldn't know, and what could I do? Nothing. So I figure why not lay it out there, and tell her that I am truly sorry for what I put her through. My actions and words came off all freaking wrong. I wrote it at like, 9:30 pm here, so she obviously hasn't gotten it, but I can't help but wonder what she's gonna do, if she's just going to completely ignore me, or be a bitch, or reply and be nice about it. Who the hell knows.

finally

IT'S HOMECOMING DAYYYYY!

it could be worse...

you'd think that when you got to HAWAII, it'd be awesome. apparently not for me. first, i wake up at 6:30 AM. wtf. then it's storming outside...raining, i mean, pouring rain, thunder, lightening...oh and i have to WALK to get docs car. so i lay around, shower, get ready, and finally about 9:00 am i decide to venture out and find his car. i go to the place i thought it would be...clear at the back of the base, and of course, they tell me that i need to go somewhere else...so i go there, and they tell me they don't deal with cars, so i need to go to PMO. so i walk there, and i sit down, and then i find out that stupid ass 2/3 has their own lot. so i have to walk over there to find out that i have to call someone...well they tell me where to go, and mind you, it's still sprinkling this whole time, so i'm kinda damp. while i'm walking to the regiment, it starts pouring down rain, and in 30 seconds flat i'm soaked. some super nice guy decides to roll down his window and ask where i'm going, and gives me a ride to regiment. so i finally get there, i get the keys in my hand, and they tell me i have to go back to the place i was just at. so i start walking again, and once again, it pours. somehow i got lucky again, and some super nice guy takes me back to where i needed to go. the guy who i'm meeting pulls up and the search for doc's car is on. of course, it's clear back in the corner, with the grass all grown around it...give the man the keys, and wouldn't ya know, it doesn't start. so after givin it a jump, it starts and i'm on my way. sorta. i decide it's a smart idea to drive around base for about 30 minutes. it's now 10:30 am, and i decided i needed to make sure i could have a place to stay for the night. so i go back to the lodge, stop the car (like any normal human), and pay for another night. oh buy my luck has run out somewhere, and the car doesn't start. so i ask for a jump and go straight to firestone. they fit me in for a new battery in less than an hour, and i was on my way. the whole morning i was in wet, cold clothes. the second guy who jumped my car said 'its okay, it could be worse' and i wanted to scream at him, but i realized he was right...so i took a deeeeep breath and said 'yeah, you're right, it could.'
i just sigh because i know life could be worse....but i've had my fair share of bad. lots of let downs, lots of heartache. but in less than TWO weeks, it'll be MY turn. doc is finally coming home. FINALLY.
oh, as for the rest of my day, people at walmart are so rude, and i was stupid enough to venture off base while it was raining...never doing that again.

who's scared?

i never thought i would be scared of doc to come home...ever. me being scared has taken over me being excited/happy about it. it's so ridiculous. it's been a fear for a while now, and it's just starting to become more....there. the feeling lingers around all the time now. i've changed. and it smacked me in the face when jake and matt asked me if i was a dude jokingly. obviously i'm not, but i'm just so laid back now, it seems like i am. and that wasn't who i was when he left. i finally talked to his best friend about it, and of course, he told me i had nothing to worry about. he said when doc came home, all that would go away. i even had a drunken heart-to-heart with two other guys, one of which just got back from afghanistan. and both of them said i have nothing to worry about, but i do worry.
then doc calls tonight, and all i can do is be angry. he hadn't called in a couple days and that made me mad, and it was easier to be mad at him than tell him i'm scared. but clearly he's gonna catch on, which he did. "are you mad at me?" i never thought it would be like that...that i would get MAD at him because although he's far far away saving the world, it's not his fault i feel this way. this was about ME changing...not him this time. we already had that talk. i seriously never thought i would ever feel like this. and it makes me almost depressed. now here i am, at 3 AM, laying wide awake cause he called and woke me up. maybe i was angry about that...he know's i hate being woken up. juuuust kidding, he's the only one that i want waking me up. i wish i could shake this feeling.
as for packing, i haven't done a damn thing. not one. okay, well a couple. i started cleaning out my mom's garage...and i finished my thank you notes from my bridal shower. what else have i done? not a damn thing. there's always tomorrow, right? until tomorrow is the day that i leave. i'll get it done...i hope. i suppose if i don't, i'll do it when i come back home in july. maybe if i put it off long enough, my mom will do it for me...haha, good joke, i know.

life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

i have never had so many people tell me they are proud of me than i have during this deployment, and it feels good. i'm nothing special, but to have some recognize that i've gone through hardships just as doc has is comforting. it's even more comforting to hear doc tell me how proud he is of me. i spend a lot of time thinking about him, and wanting the best for us, and making decisions that are going to be the best for us, and to have people recognize that...it's just awesome. the only person i ever needed to hear "i'm proud of you" from was doc...is doc. and i thank God every day that i found a man who is truly proud of who i am, and what i'm doing for him. we both know that without each other, we would be lost. he knows i'm doing good for him back home while he's out saving the world. i don't need all the attention in the world...i need his attention, and his approval, and i just need for him to be proud of me. and he is. and he trusts me. that's all i could ever ask from him.

we found out that one of his friend's wives wasn't faithful to him, and it breaks both of our hearts. doc sees how much pain this guy is in, but he acts like nothing is wrong. and it makes of us both pissed off at her...how could she do that? what happened to 'till death do us part'?? obviously it went out the window for her. we're SO close, and i don't think people realize that. i have FOURTEEN days left until i leave for hawaii, and she was right behind me. they will be back in less than a month...she couldn't even keep it in her pants for two more months....granted this happened a month-ish ago. i know i shouldn't judge, but i've met this girl, and she was so head-over-heels with her husband, and then she did this. i have no respect for her, and my heart goes out to him. karma's a bitch though, i know from experience....and she's said some pretty nasty things to me.

after doc told me all of this, i told him it made me nervous...i didn't want him to second guess me and our marriage. i love him more than anything. i could never, in a million year, think about cheating on him. god, it hurts just to even think about it. being the amazing man that he is...he told me he trusted me, and he loved me, and he was so proud of me. and he told me to never say something like that again. and i'm so glad i said that to him because i know i would have had a pit in my stomach the rest of the day. i guess i've learned from this deployment...i've learned that if i have something to say to him, i need to say it because it could be two weeks before i talk to him again. i definitely cherish our thirty minute talks that we get. and i'm so thankful we even get that much time.

bad things happen in threes....

right? so i'm just waiting for the third bad thing to happen to me.

first my dad hits someone and is arrested, then i find out my car was side-swiped. ruled out that it was my dad, but now i have NO idea who it was. like, at all. i filed a police report, so that's a start...but i highly doubt anything will come from it.

i finally finished my classes, found out i got a D in one of them...i KNOW that's wrong, so hopefully i can get it changed, but who knows. summer classes start again in a couple of weeks...right after i move, then doc will be home right after that :) i know i just need to keep moving forward, but i just feel like things could get worse at any point. it was nice being able to tell doc everything, but i just, i don't know, i want a hug from him.

just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

shit happens, right?

i know i'm not perfect, and i would never even think about saying i am. i know the world doesn't revolve around me, and there are problems bigger than mine. but i don't feel like it's okay for anyone to belittle me considering they have no idea who i am. i have been through a lot in my life, more than most 'average' teens have. but that's also why i am who i am. i'm a little bitchy, a pushover, aggressive, but passionate. one thing i am proud of about me, is that i can admit when i am wrong. i know my faults as well. and that's saying more than most people can say.
i've grown, as a person, in so many different ways. i wish things could have turned out differently. it hurts that i know people still talk behind my back about the person i use to be. someone i'm not anymore. it kills me that because i was so mad, i let a friendship go down the drain. they were so mad, they let a friendship go down the drain. a friendship that was one anyone could envy. we knew each other inside and out. could call each other bawling and the other would know exactly what to say to help, even if it wasn't anything but i love you. a friend that turned into family, that turned into an enemy. and it kills me that i know it was partly my fault. some days, i would take all the blame. but then i know all my secrets were told. things that never should have been repeated, were. it hurts.
i know that all my experiences will help me grow. i'll move on. i'll let go. i'm sure this was something that was suppose to happen, but it doesn't make it suck any less.

i don't post a lot, but it's because i never have much to say. i really just miss doc. i think about him all the time, and how our lives are finally falling into place. i think about how far we've come, and how much we've worked for everything we've had. i think about how much i've messed up in the past, but how it got me to where i am today, and i would have to say that it's made our relationship stronger, and made me a better person.
for a while, i thought i was weak, i thought i couldn't handle this lifestyle. and we hadn't even been through a deployment, or talking about it. i just couldn't handle the distance. everything was an argument. i couldn't stand it. i hated that i didn't know when i would get to see him again. i hated that he was never there when i needed him. i hated that my life was crumbling right before my eyes and he wasn't there to pick me up, and he didn't even try while he was in hawaii. i think that if he hadn't flew me out there for my birthday, i don't know where we would be....i think we would be broken. we rekindled and then he had to leave for CAX. that really made me realize how strong i am, and how much i need him in my life. he came home, and we had a great two weeks. it may not have been perfect, but it was us, and that's all we needed.
now, i wake up every day and love him. and every day, i go to bed and think 'there's no way i can love him more than i do today' but i prove myself wrong every time i wake up.
i hate 'tooting' my own horn, but i feel like we deserve this. neither of us have had an easy childhood, each struggling through it all. we've been each other's rock for four years now. i'm not ashamed to say that i need him in my life, i need him to be there for me. and he needs me. we lean on each other. that's what you do in a relationship...in a marriage. i love him. and i'm ready for him to be home. and i'm ready to start my life with him. we deserve this, and i'm not going to let anyone take it away from us.

thanks God

WE GOT OFFERED A HOUSE! ahhhh, everything is FINALLY falling into place. after being screwed over multiple times, and my life crumbling before me, God has given me something amazing. a home. with doc. in beautiful hawaii.

everything will literally be perfect. i'll land in hawaii on june 2, around 8:30 pm, then try and sleep...haha yeah right. get up around 8 or 9 and go get docs car, and pray to God it runs. go back and pick up all my stuff and check out, run to the annex and look at furniture, possibly buy some, then off to the housing office at 1 pm to sign my lease and get my keys :):) ahh. i'm so blessed, and i thank God that he has helped me through everything thrown my way, and given me hope for finishing up this deployment.

this deployment is gonna finish up and i'll finally get to start my married life with doc :)

homecoming

well, we finally have a window. and i'm just taking my dear sweet time buying a plane ticket :/ typical me though. i'm excited, i really am, but i have NOOO idea what day to go out there and i feel like i have so much to do, but i want to take my time doing all of it. getting his car out and getting it serviced will be the top priority. then getting a bed to sleep on, and getting his clothes out so he has normal clothes. the rest of the furniture and setting up our house will come last because i want him to be apart of it and him make it feel like home too. i'm sure he'll not care and i'll get mad cause that's how it goes, but it will finally be our turn, in our home.

that's what i'm ready for...OUR time. we haven't been a married couple at all. i mean, you could argue that we were together for three whole weeks, but that doesn't count. we didn't technically live together since he was living out of a suitcase. and the third week we were both living out of a suitcase. i just wanna love on him and kiss him and tell him how much i love him.

children

there are some things i'm starting to be thankful for, every fight we've had, every kiss we've shared, every hug that's been felt. doc and i always use to go 'round and 'round about having children. i absolutely love children, and while doc does as well, he's not ready to have some of his own. for so long i've been so grown up, more mature than i should have to be. doc brings out the child in me, the best in me. this is the time in my life that i want to be selfish....i NEED to be selfish. for so long i've always wanted a child, and having friends around me who are 19 and having children, it scares me. some of barely getting by with what they have while others aren't sure of when they'll be together as a family. i know that if doc and i had a child right now, we would be just fine...but we would never get to experience hawaii as a couple. i would always be nagging him (which i'm sure i'll do anyways) and our parents would never get to see their grandchild. i want my family to enjoy our child just as much as we do, and i want him/her to be as spoiled as possible. but right now, i want to be a child with doc and go to the beach whenever, go snorkling, or go to the clubs. i want to be us again. i miss you babe. come home safe so we can be kids again :)

missing you.

for some reason, i am missing doc more than ever right now. i watched 'coming home' and i love that show. civilians (it's weird saying that since i'm a civilian) should really watch it. it show raw emotions not only from the families, but from the military members as well. i finished four of my nine classes today which means i have completely finished seven of them. i should be so happy, and i am, i am so damn proud of myself...but i want doc. i want him to come home. i want to call him and scream on the phone and tell him that i did it, but i can't. fuck afghanistan. i know i'm suppose to be strong and i'm suppose to be able to handle all of this, but life has thrown me one too many curve balls now, and i'm tired of it. i just want doc home with me to make me feel better and nuggle with me.
now i'm sitting here crying, pouring all my problems out to his best friend and i just feel so bad. i want everything perfect when doc comes home, and i know it's going to be a terrible mess. his mom is gonna be mad about everything, and there's no way to avoid it. we shouldn't have to please her...she should just be happy we are spending any time at all with her considering the bullshit she's put on our relationship. i just want the best possible for doc because that's what he deserves. i know he's not perfect, but he tries so hard sometimes, he wants the best for me, and for us, so i want everything to be just perfect for him. although, perfect isn't in our track record. but that's okay.
hoping for a phone call, and meeting him in my dreams <3

love you forever pumpkin.

goodbye january! see ya next year. (thank God!!!) with that being said, three months down, four months to go. but part of me looks at is as three months to go only because may is going to be ridiculously crazy and hectic and straight up fuuuuun. quitting my job (i couldn't be happier about this), finishing my classes (although, i will be more excited in march), and moving out of my apartment (i'm indifferent about this). AND there's always that possibility that doc will be home in may, although, i'm not crossing my fingers, it's just a thought. in february, i have a couple of things to look forward to. going to topeka a few times, my best friend coming home, and well, i guess that's about it.

you know what i'm tired of? people always being down. it's fucking ridiculous. like really? appreciate what you have. maybe you don't get a phone call everything, who the hell cares?! no news is good news. we've all gone more than a week without talking to our men, but that's okay. it makes us stronger, it builds character. i love being stronger than the average person, and when they tell me 'i could never do what you're doing' it gives me personal satisfaction to know that they will NEVER have a love or relationship or marriage like doc and i do. they probably could if they tried, but the fact that they don't want to, it's just appalling to me. when i first started dating doc, i never even thought we would make it to a year. i remember talking on msn (cause that was the 'thing' to do) and him telling me that he wanted to go into the military, and i remember telling him that i never wanted to date anyone in the military. and i'm sure that hurt his feelings, but look at us now. never, in a million years, did i think four years ago that i would marry the man i married. but i'm absolutely head over heels in love with him. and i could never tell him enough how much i love him, or how grateful i am to have him in my life. it excites me that i get to spend the second and third year of our marriage with JUST him. no one else. me and him, alone, on an island, conquering the world together, one day at a time. and OF COURSE i will miss my family, but starting this new adventure with doc is gonna be one hell of a ride :D

i'ma get your heart racing

it's the joy of seeing 'afghanistan <3' show up on my phone screen and my heart racing for the 2.5 seconds it takes me to pick up my phone, push talk, and say 'hi baby!!!'
it's the random conversations we have on the phone that no one else would understand but us.
it's that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars over the moon, world series kinda love.
SERIOUSLY.

we haven't even hit halfway yet, but god can i taste it. it's a few short months away, and i have little mile markers to keep me going.
february, my bff amber is coming back homeeeeee.
march, i get to go to cali to see her.
april, well, nothing too much comes in april, although, maybe a window of when they will be home? buying my plane ticket? packing allllll my junk up? who knows, but it seems like the possibilities are endlesssss!
may, well, we all know what comes in may! quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, finishing up this semester of school, and going to hawaiiiiii! ahh, the sweet sweet summatime!
but first, before i even get to february, january needs to hurry it's ass out the door. longest.month.ever. but you know what? i can take God that i got through it a-okay.

the other day, someone told me to just keep praying. and while i have a battle going on with what i really believe, and who is really up there, i replied to them and told them i pray to my grandpa, because i know he's up there. and just like doc's grandparents, i know he's watching over him for me. no news is good news, right?

just let the tears fall.

have you ever just cried? just because you can. and just let the tears fall down like there's no tomorrow. when i first start to cry, i feel so ashamed of myself. i feel like i've given into all the pressures of everyday life. and i feel like life has gotten the best of me. and then i take a step back and realize how truly strong i am. i am fighting a battle that not many people fight. yes, there are other military couples going through a deployment....but that's probably the only thing we have in common;; that is our only 'fight' in common. we all are fighting a different battle that know one knows anything about.

i'm so thankful to have true friends that keep me sane. i'll get a random text message through the day, just askin how i am. weather i tell them i'm good, or fine, or a complete disaster;; it doesn't feel like it matters to me. what matters is that they took the 10 seconds out of their day to send that to me. sometimes i just like to be stubborn and not tell someone how i'm really feeling. it goes back to that whole failure feeling. if i don't admit to anyone what's really going on, maybe it won't be true.

somedays, it feels unbearable. and when it does, i thank God that i made it through that day.

today....i'm thanking God that i made it through.

have you ever?

apparently my body doesn't like to go to bed before two am anymore, yet i'm so exhausted. OHWELL.

have you ever thought about how many people have impacted your life?? better yet, have you ever told them?? i made someone's day, and i made them cry all because i told them they have impacted my life in a way that very few people have.  she's so amazingly positive, and it just rubs off. this is a woman who i have never met before. yet all over her facebook, you would never see one ounce of negativity. ever.

now, have you ever just THOUGHT about someone's situation, and how they are reacting to that situation, and how much hope it gives you?? there are two women, one has finished a deployment, one is almost finished, who both have given me hope...just because i thought about how far they've come in their deployment. i find this strange because i'm on a site that has women who are always finishing up deployments, or are giving encouraging words because they've been through one, yet, they don't give me as much hope as these two women. it's seriously amazing to me.

and then there's someone else. she lost her husband over a month ago. she is probably the most inspiring person i've ever come in contact with. and i wish so damn much that i could have met her before her husband deployed. if she's this strong at this point in time, how strong was she back then? it's seriously incredible to me that she has an amazing outlook on life. i always pray and hope that she finds the peace in this terrible situation that she needs, and i could definitely say she has found at least some.

don't get me wrong, every single one of my friends has impacted my life in some way or another. there are tons of people that have impacted my life....but not to the point that ten years down the road i will remember. my best friends (they know who they are), they continue to impact my life day in and day out, and i am so incredibly grateful that they are in my life, keeping my head held high and helping me through this deployment.

to anyone who is reading this....take ten minutes out of your day and just think, who has impacted your life? get the courage in you to let them know, because i promise, you won't be disappointed with their reaction.

irritated.

i'm not trying to push anyone's feelings aside. i know that many many people miss him, but their lives didn't stop because he left. their hearts don't hurt because he left. they don't cry theirselves to sleep at night because he's not there. it just really bothers me that everyone is like 'i'm here hurting too' 'i miss him so much'. instead of 'look at that family supporting you' i honestly believe it should be 'look at that WIFE supporting you'. or girlfriend, or fiancee. those are the ones who are sitting at home, clentching their phones, waiting for one phone call. even if they aren't at home, a woman whose man is deployed, you can beat your ass they have their phone on them 24/7, with the ringer on LOUDDDD.

deployment takes a toll on anyone who has a family member deployed. and i never forget that. but please don't tell me you miss him just as much, or more than me. I'M the one he calls when he gets the chance. I'M the one who he talks to when he can't barely deal with it anymore. and I'M the one he calls when he can't call his family because all they wanna do is fight on the phone with him over stupid shit he doesn't need to deal with. once again...me me me. it literally breaks my heart. why would you argue on the phone when you ONLY have 15 minutes, if that. we never fight when we're on the phone, i cherish that time on the phone while you cherish other stupid stuff.

this whole military relationship stuff has made me cherish the things in life that others don't. a kiss, a hug, holding hands, TALKING ON THE PHONE. i appreciate my friends more because they are few and far between. and the ones that stay with me through it all, THEY are my true friends.

i'm just irritated that his cousin said that crap, and then i just started rambling off about a bunch of other stuff too :/

racing

all i do all day long is dream about my bed, and going back to sleep. just to get a good nights sleep. but here i am once again, up at 11 at night, and my mind is racing. my body is just so damn tired, but my head doesn't want to listen. half the things i think about, i can't even comprehend, and that sounds so silly, but it just goes so fast, i don't have time to actually think about it. i can't even be that crazy 'list' girl cause i don't have enough time to write it all down :/

this is to you doc....
a lot of people say they miss you. a lot. but i don't think anyone can miss you quite as much as i do, not your mom, or your brother, or your dad. before you left for boot camp, yeah, they saw you everyday, but after boot camp, during soi, and when you got stationed in the fleet, i was the one that was there for you. me me me. your brother wants to tell a sob story about how he's 'lost' his brother and his 'best friend'. your mom wants to sit there and say christmas isn't the same without you. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?! doc, damnit, i miss you so much. my heart feels heavy on the days we don't talk, making it hard to even breathe. then i see that afghan number and that feeling just goes away and gives me butterflies like you couldn't believe. you take my pain away. all the hurt and frustration goes out the window and i don't feel left behind anymore. you are my best friend. you always have been, since day one. you took the time to get to know me inside and out. you took the time to put my pieces back together when no one else wanted to look twice at my mess.

now i just lay here and cry cause i don't know what to do with myself. i miss you so much, and i truly cannot wait to start our lives together.