who's scared?

i never thought i would be scared of doc to come home...ever. me being scared has taken over me being excited/happy about it. it's so ridiculous. it's been a fear for a while now, and it's just starting to become more....there. the feeling lingers around all the time now. i've changed. and it smacked me in the face when jake and matt asked me if i was a dude jokingly. obviously i'm not, but i'm just so laid back now, it seems like i am. and that wasn't who i was when he left. i finally talked to his best friend about it, and of course, he told me i had nothing to worry about. he said when doc came home, all that would go away. i even had a drunken heart-to-heart with two other guys, one of which just got back from afghanistan. and both of them said i have nothing to worry about, but i do worry.
then doc calls tonight, and all i can do is be angry. he hadn't called in a couple days and that made me mad, and it was easier to be mad at him than tell him i'm scared. but clearly he's gonna catch on, which he did. "are you mad at me?" i never thought it would be like that...that i would get MAD at him because although he's far far away saving the world, it's not his fault i feel this way. this was about ME changing...not him this time. we already had that talk. i seriously never thought i would ever feel like this. and it makes me almost depressed. now here i am, at 3 AM, laying wide awake cause he called and woke me up. maybe i was angry about that...he know's i hate being woken up. juuuust kidding, he's the only one that i want waking me up. i wish i could shake this feeling.
as for packing, i haven't done a damn thing. not one. okay, well a couple. i started cleaning out my mom's garage...and i finished my thank you notes from my bridal shower. what else have i done? not a damn thing. there's always tomorrow, right? until tomorrow is the day that i leave. i'll get it done...i hope. i suppose if i don't, i'll do it when i come back home in july. maybe if i put it off long enough, my mom will do it for me...haha, good joke, i know.